2014 Reflections and Moving Forward

I was going to wait until New Year’s Eve to write this post, but my heart is overfilled with emotion and nostalgia this evening.  I thought what better time to write this post than when I was actually feeling all the things that I meant to write about.  This will be a lengthy post filled with book news, life lessons, goals for the future, and just a general conglomeration of thoughts.  Bear with me and you may actually take away something worthwhile, or if nothing else, you’ll have a procrastination tool at your fingertips. 

Before I get into the stuff that most people searching for a book blog will have no interest in, I want to make my top list of books I have read this year.  Some are old books, some are new (or were new at the time I read them).  Most have been reviewed on my blog or on my Goodreads account.  By the way, if you have a Goodreads account, feel free to add me.  You can also follow me on Twitter (@kentuckyheather) or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/kentuckyheather).

My Favorite Books of 2014 (in no particular order)

11.    The True Reign Series – Jennifer Anne Davis:  I didn’t put these as individual books because the entire trilogy blew me away.  I can’t even rank the three books, The Key, Red, and War, in order of preference.  I had never read a historical-type fiction before, but this one knocked it out of the park.  I was fortunate enough to receive these e-books for free from the awesome folks at Clean Teen Publishing in exchange for an honest review.  And they definitely received honest reviews.  These are young adult books and are just very awesome.  If you get a chance to read them, please do.

22.     Concealed in the Shadows – Gabrielle Arrowsmith:  This was a really great dystopian young adult.  It was also given to me by Clean Teen Publishing in exchange for an honest review.  I have to tell you.  The authors at CTP are truly phenomenal.  They pretty much dominate my list of favorite authors/books of 2014.  Released from the Darkness is the sequel to Concealed in the Shadows and while it is really quite good as well, Concealed in the Shadows takes the cake of this series.

33.     White Hot Kiss – Jennifer L. Armentrout: I have said this about sixty time, but Jennifer Armentrout could rewrite the phone book and I would think it is amazing.  She has a way with words that I could never imitate.  I’ve began several of her series’ this year and I would love to have her entire collection of novels.  Perhaps that will be my goal for 2015 – own every Jennifer Armentrout book for my collection.

44.    Fangirl – Rainbow Rowell: I have managed to read a couple Rainbow Rowell books this year, but Fangirl is by far the best, in my opinion. 

55.     The Gunslinger – Stephen King: This was recommended to me by a couple of my avid book lover friends.  I enjoy a good Stephen King read.  I had never ventured into the Dark Tower series, but I am glad I started.  I did not review this book, as it is so old, but I am excited to delve into the remainder of the series.  My best friend and I decided to read them together so we could discuss the books afterwards.  She has read them before, but we both love to discuss books.  I wish I had more people to talk about books with!  I know you guys read my blog posts, but you are way silent on the comment front!!

66.      The Gone Series – Stacy Claflin:  I feel a little biased for putting these in here because I am one of Stacy’s beta readers for this series and my input on how to improve the books before they are published has made an impact.  I feel connected to these books because I had a hand in helping her make the final product so good.  The series is very chilling in that it deals with a girl who is bullied and finds solace in an online relationship; however, when she meets up with her online “boyfriend,” he is actually a predator and kidnaps her.  The books go through the girl’s terror at being kidnapped as well as what happens to her family and friends left behind once she is gone.  I think it got to me so much because my maternal instincts kicked in and I was emotionally attached to the characters and worried constantly about the girl’s safety as well as the mental health and emotional well-being of the loved ones she left behind.  I’m not sure if you would classify this series as a young adult or a mystery or what, but for what it is, I thought it was well executed in the end product after seeing the beginning drafts and the post-edits/final products.  It was cool to go through the entire process with this series.  I think it will always have a special place in my book arsenal because of these reasons.

77.     A Thousand Splendid Suns – Khaled Hosseini:   Here’s another author that could re-write the phone book and still be magnificent.  I had never really read books about Middle Eastern culture or really any other cultures for that matter.  This book was amazing.  Is it better than The Kite Runner?  I’m not sure.  They are both equally top notch.  I love this book and the writing style and character development.  It had me captured with every single word on the page.  I look forward to reading more of Mr. Hosseini’s books.

88.      Celestra Forever After – Addison Moore:  What would my list be without a book by my female author crush, Addison Moore?  I’m really getting into her new adult books.  I never thought I would be into new adult romance books ever, but between Addison Moore, Tiffany King, and J. Lynn ( Jennifer L. Armentrout), I am 100% hooked.  It doesn’t hurt that Celestra Forever After follows my favorite characters:  Skyla, Logan, Gage, Cooper, and Laken from the Celestra and Countenance series’.  I’m currently reading The Dragon and the Rose (Celestra Forever After #2) and while I am getting a little agitated at our girl Skyla for being so dense sometimes, I still hold this as my biggest book guilty pleasure.  No matter how hokey or frustrating it gets, I’m going to keep on reading just because I have the biggest fictional character crushes on Cooper and Logan and Gage and Marshall, though I’m wishing right now that Skyla would get her head out of her lady bits and kick Gage to the curb for a bit.

99.    The Grey Wolves Series – Quinn Loftis:  I have slacked off on this series, mainly because of my lack of funds.  But I began the series this year and I can’t even remember what book number I am on.  It was surreal to meet Quinn Loftis herself at UtopYA and to meet some of the models that she uses on her covers.  I also manages to snag some legal advice from Quinn’s husband.  The Loftis powerhouse are the sweetest, most talented, most down to earth people I have met in a long time.  I love the energy that Quinn pours into her books and though at times, I feel like the wolf pack gets a little too immature and hokey for my taste, I think I will stick by and carry the series out to the end.  I’ve invested this much time and money into it so far, so I may as well continue to keep trucking on.

Well, that sums up the book portion of my post.  Hopefully 2015 will bring even better reading material and I can add some awesome reviews to my blog.  I like that I have branched out to cover some film and to input my opinions on life in general here and there.  I haven’t decided if I will include info of my own writing projects in this blog or if I will create a separate author blog, but you’ll be the first to know.  Now onto the portion of the blog that you may or may not care about.  I’m writing it more for myself, but you may find some valuable info below if you stick around.

Did I Succeed in My 2014 New Year’s Resolutions?

Almost.  I had some pretty reasonable resolutions for 2014.  I successfully met almost all of them except for two, but there’s still a few days left and I am optimistic.  So what were my resolutions and which ones have I failed at?

1.       The obligatory weight loss resolution.  I resolved to lose 20 pounds in 2014.  Did I make it?  Heck yes!  Not only did I lose 20 pounds, I lost almost 50.  Now, part of it is due to being on Adderall and having multiple autoimmune diseases, but I also started exercising and cut out most of the sugars, starches, and carbs in my life.  I had a little backslide between Thanksgiving and present day, but I’m back on track with my healthy eating starting today and I don’t think I will have an issue going forward, apart from my NYE shenanigans I intend to get into.

2.      Read 60 books this year.  Have I met it?  Not yet.  I still need to complete 6 books.  I think I can make it.  I am partially finished with a handful of books, so if I sit down every evening and read the ones I am partially finished with, I think I can make the 60 book goal.  If I don’t, 54 books in a year is nothing to scoff at.  That’s over one book a week already.  I can be satisfied with that.

3.      Make friends in this new town.  I’ve done that.  Granted I feel as if I have lost two of the most important friends I have made this year.  But I am thankful that they were in my life for the time that they were.  Both of these people meant more to me than they will ever know.  They still mean so much to me.  I hope that with time, we can repair our friendships.  I am thankful that I have made friends with my neighbors.  They take care of me when I need it and have been here for me through thick and thin.  I am so shy that I don’t make friends very easily.  I was worried I would never fit in after moving here.  But I have just what I need in the friend department, and I seem to be adding new friends to my life as time moves on here.  As long as I have time left in this town, I think I will be okay in the friend department.

4.      Learn to let go of what drove me to run away to this town in the first place and begin to love myself.  It has taken me until the midnight hour to do this, but I am there.  The person who caused me to flee my prior life is no longer going to be a problem and finally accepting that everything that happened is not my fault and that I’m actually not that bad of a person has made me appreciate my life.  I think finally having the support of my family has helped in the “loving myself” department.  More on this later.

5.      Stop dropping the f-bomb.  Yeah….I straight up failed this one and I don’t know if a few more days will help.  I’m willing to try though.

6.      Understand what unconditional love is and believe that I deserve it.  Yes.  Finally.  Yes.  This doesn’t mean I am in a relationship.  I’m not.  But I finally understand the true meaning of love and I realize that I am capable of having unconditional love.  I should never settle for anything less.

All in all, I think I did pretty well in the resolution department.  Some may disagree, but this newfound confidence and understanding of myself that I have has made me realize that I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.  I am who I am and that’s the best person that I can be.  I have no resolutions for 2015.  It’s not really important to make them.  It’s an expected tradition, but I think I’m going to call them goals and future aspirations.  It’s easier to work toward goals than it is toward an obligatory resolution.  People expect you to make resolutions every year and nobody tends to keep them.  But your goals . . . those are your own.  Those are pieces of your heart and soul that you can work toward and nobody can take that away from you.

2014 Reflections and Moving Forward into 2015

2014 has been a very emotional roller coaster of a ride, but in the end, I think everything has worked out to put me in a position to make 2015 the best year I have had in a very long time.  I’ve been through the ringer this year.  I’ve made friends and lost them.  I’ve fallen in love.  I’ve had to face head on the reason why I left my hometown in the first place.  I’ve argued and fought with someone more than I have in my entire life.  I’ve had to wait and worry that my doctors were going to discover that I had cancer.  I became eternally grateful that I do not have cancer, but rather fibromyalgia and lupus.  I’ve been criticized and broken and hurt to the point that I didn’t think I could get out of bed another day.  I’ve lost someone close to me and have had to deal with the regret and guilt that I didn’t tell him I loved him and didn’t get to say goodbye.  I’ve tried to better myself and kept falling into a slump.  I’ve had someone that I really cared about essentially point out the things that are wrong with me and tell me that they wanted to delete me from their life because of my issues.  I almost lost my father last month. 

But that’s all negative.  I’ve also had so many positive things.  I have actual readers on my blog! I’ve acquired the courage to not give up on my dream of writing.  I discovered the power of positivity through said friend who doesn’t care if they talk to me ever again, and while I had bad slumps where I forgot to use it and forgot its power, I got back on track.  I discovered that despite years of being torn down and stripped of all of my dignity and self-confidence, I am capable of having unconditional love.  I am capable of being loved.  I am capable of loving myself.  I discovered that despite what the naysayers think about me, I have so many successes in my life and I don’t want to hide from that anymore.  I have three college degrees.  I’m a lawyer, for Pete’s sake.  I passed two state’s bar exams.  One without even studying.  I have devoted my career life to helping people who do not have their own voices.  I overcame a horrific domestic violence situation and have been able to use my experiences to assist others who are in the same place that I was.  I did what I had to do to get the help I needed to get past what happened to me before.  In the last week, I have rekindled my relationship with my family members.  They have helped me have the courage and strength to actually sit down and think about what is truly important to me and what will make me happy.  For once, I feel like I have the support system in place to do what will make me happy.  I no longer have to walk on eggshells and be a people pleaser.  I am free to be myself and the amazing person that I was created to be.

Are there things I still wish I could fix?  Of course.  It’s still difficult for me to grasp all of the successes that I have had in my life, especially with the failures I have had recently.  But when I think about it, if I put all of my successes on a scale against my failures, I am a hella successful lady.  I can count on one hand all of the things I have failed in my life.  1) a high school exam on the Canterbury Tales; 2) my driver’s test the first time around; 3) the MPRE in November to keep my WV law license (but I passed it in Kentucky while I was still in law school); 4) my first shot at NaNoWriMo (but I don’t even consider that a failure – I wrote a large chunk of what I consider to be a great first effort at a novel and I am still plugging away at it); 5) my friendship with someone I admire and value.

So what can I do here?  Well, I can’t do anything about the high school exam.  I got an A in the class anyone.  I passed my driver’s test the second time around.  I can take the MPRE again.  I’m going to finish the novel’s first draft by the end of February so I can have an editor and some beta readers give feedback for it.  I am going to give the broken friendship some space and hope that one day it can be repaired.  If it can’t, at least I’ve learned a life lesson from it.

What did I learn from the failed friendship?  Well . . . honesty is the best policy, as cliché as that sounds.  Also, timing is everything and I should go with my gut feeling rather than what others want me to do (stop being a people pleaser).  I met this friend when it was a terrible time for me.  It seemed to be a terrible time for him as well.  I tried.  But I didn’t give it my best.  I didn’t listen to my gut feeling and instead, I convinced myself of things that simply just weren’t true.  I admired this person and legitimately cared for him, though not in the way I had brainwashed myself into thinking that I did.  I think I clung on so tightly because of my fear of commitment.  I knew he was emotionally unavailable and would never let me into his little circle of true friends, so I latched onto that and became infatuated with the idea of breaking the barriers down simply because I knew it couldn’t happen and, therefore, I had nothing to worry about on the commitment end.  It was a distraction from what was really going on.  My fear of why I ran away from my past. 

I learned about this power of positivity from said friend.  It worked as soon as I tried it.  I wanted to live my life that way, but I couldn’t because of the darkness that I was going to wait until New Year’s Eve to write this post, but my heart is overfilled with emotion and nostalgia this evening.  I thought what better time to write this post than when I was actually feeling all the things that I meant to write about.  This will be a lengthy post filled with book news, life lessons, goals for the future, and just a general conglomeration of thoughts.  Bear with me and you may actually take away something worthwhile, or if nothing else, you’ll have a procrastination tool at your fingertips. 

Before I get into the stuff that most people searching for a book blog will have no interest in, I want to make my top list of books I have read this year.  Some are old books, some are new (or were new at the time I read them).  Most have been reviewed on my blog or on my Goodreads account.  By the way, if you have a Goodreads account, feel free to add me.  You can also follow me on Twitter (@kentuckyheather) or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/kentuckyheather).

My Favorite Books of 2014 (in no particular order)

1.      The True Reign Series – Jennifer Anne Davis:  I didn’t put these as individual books because the entire trilogy blew me away.  I can’t even rank the three books, The Key, Red, and War, in order of preference.  I had never read a historical-type fiction before, but this one knocked it out of the park.  I was fortunate enough to receive these e-books for free from the awesome folks at Clean Teen Publishing in exchange for an honest review.  And they definitely received honest reviews.  These are young adult books and are just very awesome.  If you get a chance to read them, please do.

2.      Concealed in the Shadows – Gabrielle Arrowsmith:  This was a really great dystopian young adult.  It was also given to me by Clean Teen Publishing in exchange for an honest review.  I have to tell you.  The authors at CTP are truly phenomenal.  They pretty much dominate my list of favorite authors/books of 2014.  Released from the Darkness is the sequel to Concealed in the Shadows and while it is really quite good as well, Concealed in the Shadows takes the cake of this series.

3.      White Hot Kiss – Jennifer L. Armentrout: I have said this about sixty time, but Jennifer Armentrout could rewrite the phone book and I would think it is amazing.  She has a way with words that I could never imitate.  I’ve began several of her series’ this year and I would love to have her entire collection of novels.  Perhaps that will be my goal for 2015 – own every Jennifer Armentrout book for my collection.

4.      Fangirl – Rainbow Rowell: I have managed to read a couple Rainbow Rowell books this year, but Fangirl is by far the best, in my opinion. 

5.      The Gunslinger – Stephen King: This was recommended to me by a couple of my avid book lover friends.  I enjoy a good Stephen King read.  I had never ventured into the Dark Tower series, but I am glad I started.  I did not review this book, as it is so old, but I am excited to delve into the remainder of the series.  My best friend and I decided to read them together so we could discuss the books afterwards.  She has read them before, but we both love to discuss books.  I wish I had more people to talk about books with!  I know you guys read my blog posts, but you are way silent on the comment front!!

6.      The Gone Series – Stacy Claflin:  I feel a little biased for putting these in here because I am one of Stacy’s beta readers for this series and my input on how to improve the books before they are published has made an impact.  I feel connected to these books because I had a hand in helping her make the final product so good.  The series is very chilling in that it deals with a girl who is bullied and finds solace in an online relationship; however, when she meets up with her online “boyfriend,” he is actually a predator and kidnaps her.  The books go through the girl’s terror at being kidnapped as well as what happens to her family and friends left behind once she is gone.  I think it got to me so much because my maternal instincts kicked in and I was emotionally attached to the characters and worried constantly about the girl’s safety as well as the mental health and emotional well-being of the loved ones she left behind.  I’m not sure if you would classify this series as a young adult or a mystery or what, but for what it is, I thought it was well executed in the end product after seeing the beginning drafts and the post-edits/final products.  It was cool to go through the entire process with this series.  I think it will always have a special place in my book arsenal because of these reasons.

7.      A Thousand Splendid Suns – Khaled Hosseini:   Here’s another author that could re-write the phone book and still be magnificent.  I had never really read books about Middle Eastern culture or really any other cultures for that matter.  This book was amazing.  Is it better than The Kite Runner?  I’m not sure.  They are both equally top notch.  I love this book and the writing style and character development.  It had me captured with every single word on the page.  I look forward to reading more of Mr. Hosseini’s books.

8.      Celestra Forever After – Addison Moore:  What would my list be without a book by my female author crush, Addison Moore?  I’m really getting into her new adult books.  I never thought I would be into new adult romance books ever, but between Addison Moore, Tiffany King, and J. Lynn ( Jennifer L. Armentrout), I am 100% hooked.  It doesn’t hurt that Celestra Forever After follows my favorite characters:  Skyla, Logan, Gage, Cooper, and Laken from the Celestra and Countenance series’.  I’m currently reading The Dragon and the Rose (Celestra Forever After #2) and while I am getting a little agitated at our girl Skyla for being so dense sometimes, I still hold this as my biggest book guilty pleasure.  No matter how hokey or frustrating it gets, I’m going to keep on reading just because I have the biggest fictional character crushes on Cooper and Logan and Gage and Marshall, though I’m wishing right now that Skyla would get her head out of her lady bits and kick Gage to the curb for a bit.

9.      The Grey Wolves Series – Quinn Loftis:  I have slacked off on this series, mainly because of my lack of funds.  But I began the series this year and I can’t even remember what book number I am on.  It was surreal to meet Quinn Loftis herself at UtopYA and to meet some of the models that she uses on her covers.  I also manages to snag some legal advice from Quinn’s husband.  The Loftis powerhouse are the sweetest, most talented, most down to earth people I have met in a long time.  I love the energy that Quinn pours into her books and though at times, I feel like the wolf pack gets a little too immature and hokey for my taste, I think I will stick by and carry the series out to the end.  I’ve invested this much time and money into it so far, so I may as well continue to keep trucking on.

Well, that sums up the book portion of my post.  Hopefully 2015 will bring even better reading material and I can add some awesome reviews to my blog.  I like that I have branched out to cover some film and to input my opinions on life in general here and there.  I haven’t decided if I will include info of my own writing projects in this blog or if I will create a separate author blog, but you’ll be the first to know.  Now onto the portion of the blog that you may or may not care about.  I’m writing it more for myself, but you may find some valuable info below if you stick around.

Did I Succeed in My 2014 New Year’s Resolutions?

Almost.  I had some pretty reasonable resolutions for 2014.  I successfully met almost all of them except for two, but there’s still a few days left and I am optimistic.  So what were my resolutions and which ones have I failed at?

1.       The obligatory weight loss resolution.  I resolved to lose 20 pounds in 2014.  Did I make it?  Heck yes!  Not only did I lose 20 pounds, I lost almost 50.  Now, part of it is due to being on Adderall and having multiple autoimmune diseases, but I also started exercising and cut out most of the sugars, starches, and carbs in my life.  I had a little backslide between Thanksgiving and present day, but I’m back on track with my healthy eating starting today and I don’t think I will have an issue going forward, apart from my NYE shenanigans I intend to get into.

2.      Read 60 books this year.  Have I met it?  Not yet.  I still need to complete 6 books.  I think I can make it.  I am partially finished with a handful of books, so if I sit down every evening and read the ones I am partially finished with, I think I can make the 60 book goal.  If I don’t, 54 books in a year is nothing to scoff at.  That’s over one book a week already.  I can be satisfied with that.

3.      Make friends in this new town.  I’ve done that.  Granted I feel as if I have lost two of the most important friends I have made this year.  But I am thankful that they were in my life for the time that they were.  Both of these people meant more to me than they will ever know.  They still mean so much to me.  I hope that with time, we can repair our friendships.  I am thankful that I have made friends with my neighbors.  They take care of me when I need it and have been here for me through thick and thin.  I am so shy that I don’t make friends very easily.  I was worried I would never fit in after moving here.  But I have just what I need in the friend department, and I seem to be adding new friends to my life as time moves on here.  As long as I have time left in this town, I think I will be okay in the friend department.

4.      Learn to let go of what drove me to run away to this town in the first place and begin to love myself.  It has taken me until the midnight hour to do this, but I am there.  The person who caused me to flee my prior life is no longer going to be a problem and finally accepting that everything that happened is not my fault and that I’m actually not that bad of a person has made me appreciate my life.  I think finally having the support of my family has helped in the “loving myself” department.  More on this later.

5.      Stop dropping the f-bomb.  Yeah….I straight up failed this one and I don’t know if a few more days will help.  I’m willing to try though.

6.      Understand what unconditional love is and believe that I deserve it.  Yes.  Finally.  Yes.  This doesn’t mean I am in a relationship.  I’m not.  But I finally understand the true meaning of love and I realize that I am capable of having unconditional love.  I should never settle for anything less.

All in all, I think I did pretty well in the resolution department.  Some may disagree, but this newfound confidence and understanding of myself that I have has made me realize that I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.  I am who I am and that’s the best person that I can be.  I have no resolutions for 2015.  It’s not really important to make them.  It’s an expected tradition, but I think I’m going to call them goals and future aspirations.  It’s easier to work toward goals than it is toward an obligatory resolution.  People expect you to make resolutions every year and nobody tends to keep them.  But your goals . . . those are your own.  Those are pieces of your heart and soul that you can work toward and nobody can take that away from you.

2014 Reflections and Moving Forward into 2015

2014 has been a very emotional roller coaster of a ride, but in the end, I think everything has worked out to put me in a position to make 2015 the best year I have had in a very long time.  I’ve been through the ringer this year.  I’ve made friends and lost them.  I’ve fallen in love.  I’ve had to face head on the reason why I left my hometown in the first place.  I’ve argued and fought with someone more than I have in my entire life.  I’ve had to wait and worry that my doctors were going to discover that I had cancer.  I became eternally grateful that I do not have cancer, but rather fibromyalgia and lupus.  I’ve been criticized and broken and hurt to the point that I didn’t think I could get out of bed another day.  I’ve lost someone close to me and have had to deal with the regret and guilt that I didn’t tell him I loved him and didn’t get to say goodbye.  I’ve tried to better myself and kept falling into a slump.  I’ve had someone that I really cared about essentially point out the things that are wrong with me and tell me that they wanted to delete me from their life because of my issues.  I almost lost my father last month. 

But that’s all negative.  I’ve also had so many positive things.  I have actual readers on my blog! I’ve acquired the courage to not give up on my dream of writing.  I discovered the power of positivity through said friend who doesn’t care if they talk to me ever again, and while I had bad slumps where I forgot to use it and forgot its power, I got back on track.  I discovered that despite years of being torn down and stripped of all of my dignity and self-confidence, I am capable of having unconditional love.  I am capable of being loved.  I am capable of loving myself.  I discovered that despite what the naysayers think about me, I have so many successes in my life and I don’t want to hide from that anymore.  I have three college degrees.  I’m a lawyer, for Pete’s sake.  I passed two state’s bar exams.  One without even studying.  I have devoted my career life to helping people who do not have their own voices.  I overcame a horrific domestic violence situation and have been able to use my experiences to assist others who are in the same place that I was.  I did what I had to do to get the help I needed to get past what happened to me before.  In the last week, I have rekindled my relationship with my family members.  They have helped me have the courage and strength to actually sit down and think about what is truly important to me and what will make me happy.  For once, I feel like I have the support system in place to do what will make me happy.  I no longer have to walk on eggshells and be a people pleaser.  I am free to be myself and the amazing person that I was created to be.

Are there things I still wish I could fix?  Of course.  It’s still difficult for me to grasp all of the successes that I have had in my life, especially with the failures I have had recently.  But when I think about it, if I put all of my successes on a scale against my failures, I am a hella successful lady.  I can count on one hand all of the things I have failed in my life.  1) a high school exam on the Canterbury Tales; 2) my driver’s test the first time around; 3) the MPRE in November to keep my WV law license (but I passed it in Kentucky while I was still in law school); 4) my first shot at NaNoWriMo (but I don’t even consider that a failure – I wrote a large chunk of what I consider to be a great first effort at a novel and I am still plugging away at it); 5) my friendship with someone I admire and value.

So what can I do here?  Well, I can’t do anything about the high school exam.  I got an A in the class anyone.  I passed my driver’s test the second time around.  I can take the MPRE again.  I’m going to finish the novel’s first draft by the end of February so I can have an editor and some beta readers give feedback for it.  I am going to give the broken friendship some space and hope that one day it can be repaired.  If it can’t, at least I’ve learned a life lesson from it.

What did I learn from the failed friendship?  Well . . . honesty is the best policy, as cliché as that sounds.  Also, timing is everything and I should go with my gut feeling rather than what others want me to do (stop being a people pleaser).  I met this friend when it was a terrible time for me.  It seemed to be a terrible time for him as well.  I tried.  But I didn’t give it my best.  I didn’t listen to my gut feeling and instead, I convinced myself of things that simply just weren’t true.  I admired this person and legitimately cared for him, though not in the way I had brainwashed myself into thinking that I did.  I think I clung on so tightly because of my fear of commitment.  I knew he was emotionally unavailable and would never let me into his little circle of true friends, so I latched onto that and became infatuated with the idea of breaking the barriers down simply because I knew it couldn’t happen and, therefore, I had nothing to worry about on the commitment end.  It was a distraction from what was really going on.  My fear of why I ran away from my past. 

I learned about this power of positivity from said friend.  It worked as soon as I tried it.  I wanted to live my life that way, but I couldn’t because of the darkness that dwelled inside me, leftover from someone who doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air that I do.  Every time I thought I had it figured out, I would have flashbacks to what happened and how I had everything taken from me . . . all of my self-worth, all of my self-esteem, all of my livelihood and spirit – gone.  It would send me spiraling out of control and I know I was impossible to be around when I had these relapses.  It is impossible for others to really understand what these flashbacks do to a person unless they have ever lived them.  Sometimes, I wished that my friend could just spend one day in my brain so he would know what it was like and then maybe he wouldn’t harden his heart against me.  But I could never wish that pain on anyone. 

The flashbacks brought such excruciating emotional pain that I said and did ridiculous things to push this friend away.  It’s no wonder he wanted nothing to do with me.  I wouldn’t have either.  As I was trying to work on healing these gashes in my soul, he was the best and worst part of me.  I had so many addictions that I needed to stay clear from, so I made him an addiction.  It was safer.  Nobody could get hurt but me if I did it that way.  Was this crazy?  Absolutely.  He put up with it for awhile, but one day he couldn’t take it anymore.  It was for the best though because I was about on my last straw with him as well.  Like I eluded to before, I think we brought out the worst in each other.  There was a day that I expected to be perfect with him, but I had never felt so disrespected by someone close to me before.  I didn’t tell him that, of course.  I just kept praising him and pretended there was no issue.  Then a few days later, the blow up happened.  I couldn’t deal.  I ended up relapsing on one of my addictions and went out with a very nice guy who I intended to use.  He actually ended up being so nice that I couldn’t go through with it.  But I couldn’t have a relationship with him either.  A little later, a second blow up happened and I felt like my friend was personally attacking me with all the words he knew would destroy me.  It was partially my fault for not being honest.  The true story of what happened was not that I was in a negative relationship so soon after our falling out.  But rather that the person from my past who destroyed me and caused me to run had found me.  And I was scared.  I didn’t know what to do.  Between him and the plethora of guys from my past who had discovered that I was skinny and had begun to “get hot” again, I felt like once again, I was worth nothing except my body.

Negative thinking?  Sure.  I’ll give him that.  But when you’ve literally had it beaten into you for five years straight, it’s difficult to be able to turn that off.  What I really needed help with was assisting someone else in an abusive relationship.  I needed to help her escape so I could feel like my experiences weren’t for anything.  I knew I could get out of my relapse.  And I did.  And I have protection now in case Lord Douchebag decides to track me down again.  Would things be different if I had been honest?  I don’t know.  I think my friend’s mind was made up about me long ago, which saddens me because I really can be a great person and fun to be around, but for whatever reason, he brings out the absolute worst side of me.  It is not like that with anyone else in my life.  None of my other friends understand what went wrong.  I know exactly what went wrong.  Regardless of what happened, I still think he is an amazing person and I will never stop cheering for him in life, even if we never speak again. 

So getting off that soapbox, looking forward to 2015, I hope to be able to repair that friendship along with another one that went south for reasons I can’t figure out.  I got sick and lost a friend.  Hopefully she comes back.  I miss her.  I also look forward to spending time with all of my new friends I have made. 

As far as my reading and writing goes, I hope to read 50-60 books in 2015.  I also hope to finish my YA that I started during NaNoWriMo and get it published.  I also want to finish my New Adult Romance project that consists of 3 novels or novellas so far.  I am partly finished with each of the three books.  I will likely self-publish those for various reasons, but I honestly have faith in my NaNo project and I want to try and find a publishing company to pick that up.  I hit writer’s block for the longest time in November after being sick, having my dad nearly die, and writing the characters wrong.  Once I figured out what the characters needed to do, it has been much easier to write. 

I also have so many career goals for 2015.  The field I work in has led me to discover that my true passion in life is education inequality.  I cannot grasp the fact that so many children are in public schools and are not receiving a proper education.  It often sends me home in tears at the end of the day.  I want to be better at my job and I want to try to do more.  I have a feeling that some doors are going to be opening up if I keep pushing forward.  My reputation is gaining momentum in the communities that I work in and I am honestly proud of myself for this.  I would do anything for my clients and I hope they know that each and every one of them has a story that changes my life.  If I can make education better for even one child, I feel like I have accomplished so much.  I’m not going to mention here what my 5 year old self used to say was going to be my future, but I have a butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach that doors are going to open and my 5 year old self is likely to have been completely accurate about what I would be doing and where I needed to be in life.  If I could spend every day of my life writing and helping improve the education system in the country, I think I would be the most content person in the United States.

Finally, I am hopeful that now that I have discovered that I am capable of being loved in the truest form, I will be able to accept myself for who I am, better myself, and refrain from being terrified of commitment.  I want to improve all of my life relationships.  To quote “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” which is a great concept, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  Well, darn it, I not only think, but I KNOW that I deserve this amazing, unconditional love from someone who accepts me for who I am and who not only understands that I am not perfect, but who loves every imperfect part of me.  I’ve got someone in my life who has loved me for more than twenty years.  That’s the kind of love that I deserve.  Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are not in a relationship, but knowing that someone believes I deserve so much love really has transformed the way I see myself and the way I think of my future. 

I think that 2015 is going to be full of goodness, gratitude, love, and tons of surprises.  I think it will be the best year I have had in a long time.  2014 will close the door on all of the negative, scary, bad things that have happened in my past.  2015 is a new beginning and I cannot wait to share it with all of you. 

Thank you for sticking around to the end of this blog post.  I wish you all the love and happiness and positivity that the world can offer you in 2015.  To my lost friend:  I hope you do not take offense that I wrote you in the blog post.  Nobody that reads the blog knows who you are.  I want you to know that I am proud of you and will cheer from the sidelines for your awesome 2015.  I hope you make the transformations that you want and you find happiness and contentment with yourself.  Should my path lead me away from here, I hope you know that I am glad I met you and despite what anyone may make you feel, you are good enough just the way you are and you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.  That goes to all of you reading this.  You are all awesome and talented in your own ways and I admire each and every one of you.

Happy New Year.  Happy New Beginning. inside me, leftover from someone who doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air that I do.  Every time I thought I had it figured out, I would have flashbacks to what happened and how I had everything taken from me . . . all of my self-worth, all of my self-esteem, all of my livelihood and spirit – gone.  It would send me spiraling out of control and I know I was impossible to be around when I had these relapses.  It is impossible for others to really understand what these flashbacks do to a person unless they have ever lived them.  Sometimes, I wished that my friend could just spend one day in my brain so he would know what it was like and then maybe he wouldn’t harden his heart against me.  But I could never wish that pain on anyone. 

The flashbacks brought such excruciating emotional pain that I said and did ridiculous things to push this friend away.  It’s no wonder he wanted nothing to do with me.  I wouldn’t have either.  As I was trying to work on healing these gashes in my soul, he was the best and worst part of me.  I had so many addictions that I needed to stay clear from, so I made him an addiction.  It was safer.  Nobody could get hurt but me if I did it that way.  Was this crazy?  Absolutely.  He put up with it for awhile, but one day he couldn’t take it anymore.  It was for the best though because I was about on my last straw with him as well.  Like I eluded to before, I think we brought out the worst in each other.  There was a day that I expected to be perfect with him, but I had never felt so disrespected by someone close to me before.  I didn’t tell him that, of course.  I just kept praising him and pretended there was no issue.  Then a few days later, the blow up happened.  I couldn’t deal.  I ended up relapsing on one of my addictions and went out with a very nice guy who I intended to use.  He actually ended up being so nice that I couldn’t go through with it.  But I couldn’t have a relationship with him either.  A little later, a second blow up happened and I felt like my friend was personally attacking me with all the words he knew would destroy me.  It was partially my fault for not being honest.  The true story of what happened was not that I was in a negative relationship so soon after our falling out.  But rather that the person from my past who destroyed me and caused me to run had found me.  And I was scared.  I didn’t know what to do.  Between him and the plethora of guys from my past who had discovered that I was skinny and had begun to “get hot” again, I felt like once again, I was worth nothing except my body.

Negative thinking?  Sure.  I’ll give him that.  But when you’ve literally had it beaten into you for five years straight, it’s difficult to be able to turn that off.  What I really needed help with was assisting someone else in an abusive relationship.  I needed to help her escape so I could feel like my experiences weren’t for anything.  I knew I could get out of my relapse.  And I did.  And I have protection now in case Lord Douchebag decides to track me down again.  Would things be different if I had been honest?  I don’t know.  I think my friend’s mind was made up about me long ago, which saddens me because I really can be a great person and fun to be around, but for whatever reason, he brings out the absolute worst side of me.  It is not like that with anyone else in my life.  None of my other friends understand what went wrong.  I know exactly what went wrong.  Regardless of what happened, I still think he is an amazing person and I will never stop cheering for him in life, even if we never speak again. 

So getting off that soapbox, looking forward to 2015, I hope to be able to repair that friendship along with another one that went south for reasons I can’t figure out.  I got sick and lost a friend.  Hopefully she comes back.  I miss her.  I also look forward to spending time with all of my new friends I have made. 

As far as my reading and writing goes, I hope to read 50-60 books in 2015.  I also hope to finish my YA that I started during NaNoWriMo and get it published.  I also want to finish my New Adult Romance project that consists of 3 novels or novellas so far.  I am partly finished with each of the three books.  I will likely self-publish those for various reasons, but I honestly have faith in my NaNo project and I want to try and find a publishing company to pick that up.  I hit writer’s block for the longest time in November after being sick, having my dad nearly die, and writing the characters wrong.  Once I figured out what the characters needed to do, it has been much easier to write. 

I also have so many career goals for 2015.  The field I work in has led me to discover that my true passion in life is education inequality.  I cannot grasp the fact that so many children are in public schools and are not receiving a proper education.  It often sends me home in tears at the end of the day.  I want to be better at my job and I want to try to do more.  I have a feeling that some doors are going to be opening up if I keep pushing forward.  My reputation is gaining momentum in the communities that I work in and I am honestly proud of myself for this.  I would do anything for my clients and I hope they know that each and every one of them has a story that changes my life.  If I can make education better for even one child, I feel like I have accomplished so much.  I’m not going to mention here what my 5 year old self used to say was going to be my future, but I have a butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach that doors are going to open and my 5 year old self is likely to have been completely accurate about what I would be doing and where I needed to be in life.  If I could spend every day of my life writing and helping improve the education system in the country, I think I would be the most content person in the United States.

Finally, I am hopeful that now that I have discovered that I am capable of being loved in the truest form, I will be able to accept myself for who I am, better myself, and refrain from being terrified of commitment.  I want to improve all of my life relationships.  To quote “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” which is a great concept, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  Well, darn it, I not only think, but I KNOW that I deserve this amazing, unconditional love from someone who accepts me for who I am and who not only understands that I am not perfect, but who loves every imperfect part of me.  I’ve got someone in my life who has loved me for more than twenty years.  That’s the kind of love that I deserve.  Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are not in a relationship, but knowing that someone believes I deserve so much love really has transformed the way I see myself and the way I think of my future. 

I think that 2015 is going to be full of goodness, gratitude, love, and tons of surprises.  I should be receiving news in about 2 weeks that will have the potential to change my life forever.  I think it will be the best year I have had in a long time.  2014 will close the door on all of the negative, scary, bad things that have happened in my past.  2015 is a new beginning and I cannot wait to share it with all of you.  I refuse to let the past creep back into my life.  It's gone now.  No more worries.  2015 is going to be the year of happiness and contentment.  

Thank you for sticking around to the end of this blog post.  I wish you all the love and happiness and positivity that the world can offer you in 2015.  To my lost friend:  I hope you do not take offense that I wrote you in the blog post.  Nobody that reads the blog knows who you are.  I want you to know that I am proud of you and will cheer from the sidelines for your awesome 2015.  I hope you make the transformations that you want and you find happiness and contentment with yourself.  Should my path lead me away from here, I hope you know that I am glad I met you and despite what anyone may make you feel, you are good enough just the way you are and you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.  That goes to all of you reading this.  You are all awesome and talented in your own ways and I admire each and every one of you.

Happy New Year.  Happy New Beginning.